More posts to come!

Video | Posted on by | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Staple Lawyer

Image

If lawyer 2431 is still in business next year. I will retire.

Now, It’s been discussed here that I have met lawyers that don’t have websites. No big deal.

I have even met lawyer’s without computers. So what? But when Lawyer 2431 said he didn’t have email, fax or a phone, I immediately turned around and walked right out the door. Not really, that’s what I would have liked to have done. But.. unfortunately, I am in sales. Something about it, you never stop trying to sell someone until you hear those magic words, “Leave me the F*** ALONE, It’s a NO.” Then and only then will I truly stop…maybe.

So I meet with Lawyer 2431 at his office. I take a picture of his couch in his lobby. Why? It was disgusting, and to use as evidence if I got meningitis in 2 months as a result of sitting on it.

As I wait for the attorney, like I always I do,  I surf my phone, I tweet, I linkedin, I Chive. I begin to start to feel at the very least the onset of bedbugs hitting me so I stand up.

Fortunately the lawyer calls me into his office.

His desk.

Let’s start with items that it did not have on it:

No computer

No printer

No phone

No manila client files

No checks

No pictures of kids

No Bills

And the items that were on his desk:

Staples.. lots and lots of staples.

Staple remover

Papers without staples

End

I sat down and watched the attorney like he was behind glass. I was fascinated, mesmerized, curious. It was kind of like looking at an installation at an art museum. I was trying to figure it out. I didn’t say anything at first. I was just watching him remove staples. He spoke first.

“I received your letter from your company and would like to know more about what you can offer me.”

I responded with  my usual response.

“Well, I would like to know a little bit more about what you do and what your goals and expectations are before I can suggest any offerings.” What is your main practice area?”

As he talks about being a Divorce lawyer and stories of clients that owe him money… I started to notice that I couldn’t move my left foot. It was stuck. I tried my right foot, also stuck. After seeing the couch, I really didn’t want to look down. I didn’t have to. I notice that the attorney was sweeping staples off the desk after he removed them onto the floor. There were thousands of staples on the floor. He didn’t have the shiny silvery carpet I had initially thought. The removed staples were sticking into my rubber soles. Now I begin to worry about tetanus. I don’t think you can catch tetanus from staples? I Google it. Some other genius had the exact question up on Yahoo Answers. It was probably the last guy that was in this office. I am interrupted by 2431 with my favorite question, “ How much?”

Can I email you my proposal?

“ I don’t have email”

“Can you send me a self-addressed stamped letter with your quote and I will return my response.”

Can I fax it to you?

“Just send me the letter and I will have a response back to you within 4 or 5 days.”

Can I call you with it?

“Letter is really the best way.”

So.. like I end most of my meetings, I took my calculator out of my bag, used the sharp edges as a shoehorn to leverage my shoes off the stapled floor and I was on my way.

3 months later:

David Wodnicki is still trying to close this deal for $2240. He feels confident that it will happen this week.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Doctor? Lawyer? What’s the difference?

So I have been wanting to meet lawyer 2321 for over 2 years. Unfortunately he is in one of only 5 buildings downtown that has really tight security. You would think that after 9/11, especially in downtown NYC  buildings would have high tech security with eye scans, facial recognition and even old fashion patdowns…. Nah, you can walk into almost any building without even showing ID. Scary, but true. A little background before I get to my entertaining conversation with the security guard. I didn’t have an appointment. I was doing a pop in. I was actually dropping off a 5 foot by 5 foot poster board for the attorney. Why? I was attempting to show the attorney in visual form how the internet is successful for other law firms. It was a collage of websites with verdicts and settlements and how there was a correlation between the two. If you spent money on SEO and PPC etc. in return would bring you clients and cases. It was a truly a work of art that took me 3 hours to make. So why did I make a collage vs scheduling an appointment and using my ipad to show the attorney my presentation etc? Simple; the attorney didn’t want to see me. So I had to show him in a quick way, what we can do. My plan was to have the project so big he couldn’t throw it out…so it would sit in his office and he would have to stare at it all day and see how other law firms were successful and getting all of these cases. In return this would drive him crazy until he was ready to call me for a real appointment. A simple brilliant plan. I just needed to get it delivered.

Security “Who are you here to see?”

Me “ Dr. Michael Schwartz… (OK why did I say this? Easy; I have been to this building many times, and I have always noticed that when people say that they are seeing Dr. Michael Schwartz they just let them up without even calling up and checking ID. I didn’t know if it was some secret code, or if Dr. Schwartz really didn’t want his patients being harassed downstairs. So I used the name to hopefully gain entry and then I would just go to meet lawyer 2321 instead, kind of like sneaking into a sold out movie)

Security “ What’s your  name?” ( I did not expect that.. I didn’t like where this was going. Maybe he was suspicious of my 5 by 5 foot poster board I was caring with attorney’s pictures on it.)

Me  “David Wodnicki”

Security, “I don’t see you on the manifest of patients today.”

Me “Well I have an appointment.” ( my nose is getting bigger)

Security, “Let me call up”

Me “ ok”

Security, Calls upstairs. “Hi, I have a David Wozernewski here to see Dr. Schwartz.”

Security Directed to me, “What time was your appointment?”

Me “11:30 am”

Security, Directed to the office, “11:30,.. yes, uh huh. Ok here he is” (he hands me the phone)

Me  To the office secretary, “Yes? Hello? Yeah, I scheduled my appointment with Laura for today to see Dr. Schwartz.”

Office secretary “ We don’t have a Laura that works here.”

Me, “UM.. ok thanks” (dejected, I hand the phone back to the security guard.

I wanted to get out of there. Looks like I wasn’t getting in and I was tired of digging myself a deeper and deeper hole.

I told the security guard I would be right back.

Frustrated, I carried my huge work of art out of there. What was I going to do now? I didn’t even want to meet the lawyer. I just wanted to drop this off and head to my next appointment which was at noon. I thought to myself that I would try again later when there was a different security guard.. so I started walking up the street to my next appointment. Realization set in, I can’t lug this big poster board with me uptown to my next appointment. That would be ridiculous. I have to get rid of it now.
I decided to play it clean. I called the lawyer’s office from my cellphone. Hey this is David Wodnicki, I wanted to drop off something for attorney 2321. “Really? Thanks!”

That was too easy; the secretary said no problem, and that she would put me in the system. HMM.. I should have done that from the beginning.

So I go back to the same security guard that just denied me entry from trying to see Dr. Schwartz.

Without missing a beat.

I say, ”I am here to see Lawyer 2321”

Security, “I thought you were here to see the Dr.”

Me “Doctor, Lawyer, what’s the difference.”

Security, perplexed, looks me up in the system, confused, sees that I am in there and reluctantly gives me the pass to go up.

Me: “Thank you!”

I get in the elevator. I am home free. Glad this is over with. This lady in the elevator starts chatting it up with me. She sees pictures of Lawyer 2321 on my posterboard. She starts asking questions. “Oh, what do you have there, what is this about?”

I just wanted to drop this off and I was being kind of cold with her. I didn’t want to have mindless 30 second elevator banter explaining my posterboard to someone I was never going to see again. I was curt with one word answers. Finally floor 14 arrives.. She gets off, and I follow. She walks right into lawyer 2321’s office and gets behind the secretary desk.

With a stern face, she asks, Can I help you?”

Image

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin and Urban Spoon

Image

Song Break

My Child arrived just the other day.

He signed up for AOL in the usual way.

Before he knew it, it had went away.

Signed up for Myspace the very next day.

And he was friendstering before I knew it, and as he grew..

He’d say, “Im gonna be connected like you Dad.

You know I’m gonna be like you.”

 

Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin and Urban Spoon.

Little boy knew he had to get on soon.

When you going to friend me Dad?

I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son.

You know we’ll be connected then.

 

My son turned ten just the other day.

He said, “Thanks for the Iphone, Dad, come on let’s play.

Can you teach me these apps,” I said, Not today”

“I’m trying to be a social rockstar,” he said, “That’s ok.”

And he walked away with his phone in his hand.

 

And said, “Im gonna rock like him, yeah!”

“You know I’m gonna be like him.”

 

Well, he came home with a website just the other day.

It look like the others I just had to say.

“Did you optimize it, can you sit for a while?”

He shook his head and said with a smile.

“What I’d really like, Dad, is to be visible you see?

Can you drive that traffic please?”

 

Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin and Urban Spoon.

Little boy knew he had to get on soon.

When you going to friend me Dad?

I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son.

You know we’ll be connected then.

 

Need to be more social, make a blog right away.

I skyped him up just the other day.

I said, “Your website is coming up everytime.”

He said, “Thank you, Dad, I’m always top of mind.

You see my company has grown all thanks to you.

You’ve taught me to be a social rockstar like you, Dad.

It’s been amazing learning from you.”

 

And as I disconnected skype it occured to me.

He’d grown up just like me.

My boy was a social rockstar like me.

 

Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin and Urban Spoon.

Little boy knew he had to get on soon.

When you going to friend me Dad?

I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son.

You know we’ll be connected then.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Whoop! Does it Count?

Image

Me: Is he asleep?

Boss: I don’t think so.

Me: Bang on the desk as a test.

Boss: No , you do it.

Me: I cant.

Me: Should we continue with our presentation?

Boss: This stuff can’t be that boring can it?

Me: He did say that he was up all night doing his radio show.

 I bang on the desk, and make a little whooping sound.

Nothing.

Boss: Why did you whoop?

Me: I saw Kramer do it on Seinfeld once.

Me: Does it count if he signs the contract while he is asleep?

Boss: I don’t think there is any precedent.

Boss: Put the pen in his hand, and see if he scribbles on the contract.

Me: Would you let that count?

Me: I really don’t think he’s sleeping.

Boss: He has to be, he would have heard everything we are talking about.

Me: I hope he is asleep.

Attorney: How long is the contract for?

Me: Uhh. Umm. We ask for a 3 year agreement.

Attorney appears to close his eyes again..

I wait for a response, but it seems as if I am not going to get one. I start back peddling.

Me: We can do a 2 year agreement.

Silence for 45 seconds.

 Me: A 1 year agreement?

Silence for 30 seconds.

Attorney picks up the pen and signs the agreement.

Me: Ok, thanks attorney 348. I will send you the login information early next week.

I get out of there as fast as I could, it felt as if I just robbed a bank.

I look at the agreement, and then look at my boss.

 Me: He signed it in the middle of the page, is that ok?

Boss: That’s going to be a tough one, ill see what I can do. Just go back and have him sign it in the correct spot.

Me: Yeah… I don’t think he really was with us. Let’s take our chances with order entry.

Boss: What else do you have for me today?

Me: You like Cats?

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

No Call No Show

I have not met as many lawyers as I have met.

Whoa that’s deep.

Let me explain.

 I respect the appointment, I do. I have to respect it. Otherwise I will just sit at my desk all day long and write blog posts.

(Bosses: that’s not happening right now)

Now that I think about it. Every Blog post I have written is connected by a no call no show in some way. If I was going on appointments all day, I wouldn’t have time to write anything.

 But I need appointments. It’s expensive living in NYC. I need the appointments to sell to lawyers and sustain my Jewish Upper East Side lifestyle.  I have a kid for Christ’s sake.

I never met 1783 he ended up not really being lawyer 1783 at all. He is somewhere in-between 1782 and 1783. Maybe that’s what this whole cloud thing is about.

 So I show up at what would have been 1783 and I let the secretary kindly know that I am here to see the lawyer. As soon as I open my mouth, I can see her face start to change. It’s like slow motion, the nose scrunches up, the eyes get squinty, the cheekbones are raised; and before you know it, I am looking at Bill Cosby. In sales, I see this face almost every day.

 Cosby wut

What’s the point of this face? Is meant for me?  Is it for herself? Is it for the other people waiting in the lobby?

My conversation:

“Yes I have an appointment today at 2:00 pm”

“But Mr. 1783 is in court, he’s not here”

“Can I reschedule for next week?

“Only 1783 has access to his calendar, you will have to call back and reschedule.”

 And Cut! That’s where this sad little exchange ends. There will be no rescheduled meeting. I know it. The secretary knows it. Cosby knows it. The lawyer knows it, and he doesn’t even know it.

 I understand it rained today, which does amplify the difficulty of going on a meeting for both parties. Now that I think of it, NYC does have a similarity to OZ; After all, maybe lawyers are more like wicked witches than I thought.

 So what is a NO Call NO Show?

The lawyer didn’t call to cancel the appointment, and he didn’t show up for the appointment. Maybe we shouldn’t make appointments.

George Costanza never liked them. He is infamously quoted saying, “I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.”

But poor Georgie never amounted to anything except for the one day he did everything opposite. So Lawyers, attorneys, counselor, Barristers, or whatever you like to call yourselves. Don’t be like George.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Pajama Lawyer

Well…It happened.

It was bound to happen.

There have been a number of close calls over the past few years.

The  “Hold on a minute.”

The  “Just a second.”

And of course we can’t forget in an abnormally high pitch voice the “I’ll be right there.”

But not this time:

You visit enough law “firms” at their home office; you will eventually meet a lawyer in their skivvies.

 Lawyer 1781 is The Pajama lawyer.

Most likely this could have been avoided if I confirmed the appointment. However, it’s my Modus operandi (it means MO, I googled it) to not confirm appointments. It’s one last chance for the lawyer to get away.

So here I am at 2:30 PM, face to face with a man in his 50’s wearing pajamas.

So we sit down in his living room. Instead of my first probing question, (probably the wrong adjective to use in this story, but I already typed it)

Being, “What type of law do you practice?” I went with the more traditional, “Why are you wearing pajamas?”

I’ll spare you his answer; it was nearly 20 mins long. Here is the Nitty-Gritty of it: They weren’t just pajamas. They were custom Pajamas. He can’t really go buy off the rack pajamas because they don’t make elegant pajamas that fit his 5’2 frame.

Recap of the meeting for my bosses:

 -Pajama talk…

 -Brownstones…

 -Lawyer offered me a cupcake

 -I declined

 -More pajama talk…

 -How well the Rangers are doing. (J/k, there was no way I was talking sports with a man in his pajamas)

 -Internet marketing… (Yeah!)

 -Lawyer offered me a ladyfinger

 -I declined (mostly because I bugged out on how he pronounced it, and secondly… never mind, it was just really how he lingered on the Y in Lady)

I really don’t want to meet another Pajama Lawyer. So I have designed the following sophisticated prevention guide to use before going into a meeting.

  • Suite 3b- no good. It’s an apartment
  • Room 9c- no good. It’s a trick, it’s an apartment
  • Apt 17k- no good. lawyer is not even trying to be sneaky, definite pajama lawyer
  • Suite 14EF- no good. Just a bigger apartment, chance to run into 2 Pajama lawyers
  • Don’t trust the P___ L____ in apt 23: Clever, maybe he can get a TV show

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments