David Wodnicki

I have not met as many lawyers as I have met.

Whoa that’s deep.

Let me explain.

 I respect the appointment, I do. I have to respect it. Otherwise I will just sit at my desk all day long and write blog posts.

(Bosses: that’s not happening right now)

Now that I think about it. Every Blog post I have written is connected by a no call no show in some way. If I was going on appointments all day, I wouldn’t have time to write anything.

 But I need appointments. It’s expensive living in NYC. I need the appointments to sell to lawyers and sustain my Jewish Upper East Side lifestyle.  I have a kid for Christ’s sake.

I never met 1783 he ended up not really being lawyer 1783 at all. He is somewhere in-between 1782 and 1783. Maybe that’s what this whole cloud thing is about.

 So I show up at what would have been 1783 and I let the secretary kindly know that I am here to see the lawyer. As soon as I open my mouth, I can see her face start to change. It’s like slow motion, the nose scrunches up, the eyes get squinty, the cheekbones are raised; and before you know it, I am looking at Bill Cosby. In sales, I see this face almost every day.

What’s the point of this face? Is meant for me?  Is it for herself? Is it for the other people waiting in the lobby?

My conversation:

“Yes I have an appointment today at 2:00 pm”

“But Mr. 1783 is in court, he’s not here”

“Can I reschedule for next week?

“Only 1783 has access to his calendar, you will have to call back and reschedule.”

 And Cut! That’s where this sad little exchange ends. There will be no rescheduled meeting. I know it. The secretary knows it. Cosby knows it. The lawyer knows it, and he doesn’t even know it.

 I understand it rained today, which does amplify the difficulty of going on a meeting for both parties. Now that I think of it, NYC does have a similarity to OZ; After all, maybe lawyers are more like wicked witches than I thought.

 So what is a NO Call NO Show?

The lawyer didn’t call to cancel the appointment, and he didn’t show up for the appointment. Maybe we shouldn’t make appointments.

George Costanza never liked them. He is infamously quoted saying, “I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.”

But poor Georgie never amounted to anything except for the one day he did everything opposite. So Lawyers, attorneys, counselor, Barristers, or whatever you like to call yourselves. Don’t be like George.

Well…It happened.

It was bound to happen.

There have been a number of close calls over the past few years.

The  “Hold on a minute.”

The  “Just a second.”

And of course we can’t forget in an abnormally high pitch voice the “I’ll be right there.”

But not this time:

You visit enough law “firms” at their home office; you will eventually meet a lawyer in their skivvies.

 Lawyer 1781 is The Pajama lawyer.

Most likely this could have been avoided if I confirmed the appointment. However, it’s my Modus operandi (it means MO, I googled it) to not confirm appointments. It’s one last chance for the lawyer to get away.

So here I am at 2:30 PM, face to face with a man in his 50’s wearing pajamas.

So we sit down in his living room. Instead of my first probing question, (probably the wrong adjective to use in this story, but I already typed it)

Being, “What type of law do you practice?” I went with the more traditional, “Why are you wearing pajamas?”

I’ll spare you his answer; it was nearly 20 mins long. Here is the Nitty-Gritty of it: They weren’t just pajamas. They were custom Pajamas. He can’t really go buy off the rack pajamas because they don’t make elegant pajamas that fit his 5’2 frame.

Recap of the meeting for my bosses:

 -Pajama talk…

 -Brownstones…

 -Lawyer offered me a cupcake

 -I declined

 -More pajama talk…

 -How well the Rangers are doing. (J/k, there was no way I was talking sports with a man in his pajamas)

 -Internet marketing… (Yeah!)

 -Lawyer offered me a ladyfinger

 -I declined (mostly because I bugged out on how he pronounced it, and secondly… never mind, it was just really how he lingered on the Y in Lady)

I really don’t want to meet another Pajama Lawyer. So I have designed the following sophisticated prevention guide to use before going into a meeting.

• Suite 3b- no good. It’s an apartment
• Room 9c- no good. It’s a trick, it’s an apartment
• Apt 17k- no good. lawyer is not even trying to be sneaky, definite pajama lawyer
• Suite 14EF- no good. Just a bigger apartment, chance to run into 2 Pajama lawyers
• Don’t trust the P___ L____ in apt 23: Clever, maybe he can get a TV show

Met with Lawyer 1721 today. This is a prominent insurance defense firm in NYC. I’m not a real estate broker, but from the size of their office, I’m guessing they are spending approx 30,000/ month on rent. But I could be off by 10 or 20 thousand.  I was thinking, maybe I should be a real estate agent; I have been watching a lot of million dollar listing lately on Bravo and that guy Frederick, he makes a lot of money.. But I digress… 

So why am I bringing this up? 1721 wanted to meet with me because they can’t access their current website. They are locked out; can’t make any updates, changes etc.

Here is the fun conversation that ensued:

With all my years of sales training, I asked them the following powerful thought provoking question:

Me: “Why are you locked out?”

Lawyer 1721: “We are using a company called $5 hosting to host and manage our website and they are not responding to our inquiries.”

Sarcastic Me: “So you bought your website for the same cost as a Footlong?”

Lawyer 1721: “Yes, I guess you can say that.”

Me: “And you didn’t want pickles, you would like to have some more meat and some provolone, and the option for some mustard right?”

Not happy Lawyer 1721: “Are we still talking about websites here?”

In my profession, they say that your website is your virtual office.

I’m not suggesting that this firm should spend $30,000/month on their website, but it should be in proportion, and not ten thousandth of a percent of their retail office spend.

By the way; the firm is still eating their same sandwich. They didn’t opt for roast beef, and you can forget about the steak.

I loathe the phrase you get what you pay for: but here are some other helpful hints and guidelines about future acquisitions that may help some folks out. 

Men’s suit: don’t buy one for $3

Car with 4 wheels: Don’t buy one for $400

House: Don’t buy one for $28,000 (unless you are in Detroit, sorry Detroit, but its true)

STD: Free

I tend to have someone ride with me now and again. Our executives want to have a good pulse on what is going on in the field.

Too bad the pulse of NYC is like someone having a heart attack as a result of taking Pradaxa,(shameless Pay Per lead advertising here, Our Pradaxa leads are $600 per lead)* As I was saying; The person joining me today was our new VP, MD WMBS.. There are more acronyms in his title, but I don’t want to take the time to explain them or define them. Let’s just say he is my boss’s boss, boss, boss**

It was VPMDWMBS;s first week on the job. Nice buttoned up professional with over 30 years experience and an Adjunct Professor at a prestigious NYC university.

He had just left a board level type meeting in midtown with a corporate firm agreeing to everything about Internet Marketing @lbfranchi *** was saying.

Too bad downtown is nothing like uptown. Wheezy was right.

So here we are in a modest downtown office at LawFirm 1643. We sit down and meet with one of the main partners. As soon as we sit down, 1643 says, “ What’s the price?”

I tried to take it back to first base with some probing questions and value solutions selling; However 1643 didn’t want to hear it.

I look over at VPMDWMBS and he gives me the “you got this, look of encouragement look.” 

Yeah….. Good thing I was saved by this:

1643 decides to call the Managing Partner to come in. He does this on speaker phone:

This is the conversation,

“Do you want to join us for this meeting”

“ no”

Dial Tone…..

Lawyer 1643 calls again.

“ we got disconnected”

“no we didn’t”

“Do you even want to know what the meeting is about?”

“no”

“Ok, well it’s about doing a website for our law firm”

“ I invented the damn internet what do I need a website for?”

Dial tone……….

I’m laughing, looks like things are about to get interesting.

I continued with my meeting, fact finding, sharing more benefits, etc. and that’s when I heard the noise.

Beep… Beeeeeeeep…. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Beep, beep.

What is that? I thought.. as it got louder and louder closer and closer.

Then he appeared. The managing partner, on his GO GO Ultra 3 wheel Travel Mobility Scooter with optional basket attachment, entered the cramped office. He slams into VPMDWMBS chair, saying “I’m F******* AL Gore”

Backs up, and uses his horn to bleep him-self. I’m Bleeping AL Gore, I’m Beeping AL Gore,  I invented the Internet. As he hits VPMDWMBS chair again with his scooter.

“I don’t need a website” “Get out” he yells.

I said, no problem, your partner already signed the contract. He responds without missing a beat, “ That’s great news, can’t wait for our free website, because I have the checkbook.”

The managing partner puts his Go Go ultra in reverse and leaves the office, only to return 5 mins later in mid routine for his 2^nd act. He might have claimed he was AL Gore, but he was ripping into me like he was Don Rickles. At least Don Rickles believes in the future of technology, he has twitter, his own app, and has gone mobile. http://www.socialtechpop.com/2012/02/don-rickles-goes-mobile/

Wait, looks like Don Rickles doesn’t have a website. Here we go again!

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*please contact David Wodnicki for future blog advertising links or to purchase said Pradaxa leads.

** I might have missed a boss.

***sponsored twitter mention, please contact david Wodnicki for all advertising

**** im going to explain it anyways, Vice President, Managing Director, Web Marketing Business Solutions.

It took a day like yesterday to spark another blog post. 5 meetings, 5 extraordinary sound bites.

Lawyer 1608, “Do you need me to stamp something for you to prove you were here?”

Lawyer 1609, “I don’t need a website, I only use the internet for porn.”

Lawyer 1610, I actually didn’t get a sound bite from him. I walked into his office, and he was wearing a Christmas tie, (Dancing elves and Christmas trees to be exact) I have a firm policy of not meeting with lawyers that wear Holiday ties more than 3 months after said holiday. I immediately turned around and went to my next appointment. Of course, had this been last week, we would have had the meeting, and I would have had the opportunity to hear St. Nick ESQ. give me a “HO, HO, HO” or “have you been a good little boy?” quote.

Lawyer 1611, “All of my degrees and accolades are used as mental masturbation for my adversaries .”

Lawyer 1612, Half way through our meeting, in the attorney’s very modest office, his 1988 Bell Atlantic Signature phone rang; 1612 excused himself, picked up the phone and said, “My Demand? 5 million! That’s my demand!” hung up, licked his fingers, straightened his hair, and without missing a beat continued with our meeting.

I can’t wait to see what today brings; One thing is certain, I’m not going to be thinking about Attorney awards and accomplishments for a while….

So I capped it for a meeting. My 2 uncles cap it. My grandfather caps it. His father before him capped it. So why did I cap it for my meeting with Lawyer number 1008?

I showed up on time for my 3:30 Pm meeting with lawyer #1008. As I was entering he was leaving; my first notion, I thought he was leaving to go to “court”. I said 1008, “We have a 3:30 meeting.”

He replied with, “Oh I will be back in 20 mins”. I dug deep, took a risk and asked the question with one word, “Mincha?” For all my Gentile followers, Mincha is the afternoon prayer service in Judaism, And for my Jewish followers, Mincha is the afternoon prayer service in Judaism, recited mostly by Religious Jews. 1008 responded with Yes. I’ll be back in 20 mins.  I asked if I can join. He looked me up and down, then to my head, his eyes approved, he flipped me a Yarmulke and we were on our way. So here we were in a downtown high rise, somewhere on the 23^rd or 24^th floor, about to pray in the middle of the day. To my surprise there were approx 15 other lawyers in this room, and not to my surprise they were all talking business and not praying. I made a note to make this my next networking event.

So here I was capping it, talking about our Pay Per lead program for Criminal Defense lawyers and how it would help 1008 get more clients for his practice.He loved the idea; signed up, right in front of me, the other lawyers, and the All Mighty one and the prayer service began.

I felt a stronger connection to his Holiness that day, plus my Mother would be proud seeing her son taking in an afternoon service. In a twist of irony, 3 weeks later lawyer 1008 canceled the pay per lead service. Too many criminals were getting arrested on the weekend and he was receiving the leads on the Sabbath and couldn’t respond in a timely manner. Thanks God.

Today I met lawyer 1510. 

Granted I have a big nose. It comes with being you know.. part of my Eastern European Heritage. So why am I bringing this up? 1510 asked me if I wanted a nose job.

Like most meetings. I was there to assess this attorney’s internet presence. I should have been prepared for an off-color question, when he wanted to have a website similar to the famous Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad. This particular video is one of my favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbIf6LnciR0&feature=related

So how did we go from websites to nose jobs?

1510 told me a story about a plastic surgeon in Florida that is using the internet and social media to promote his practice… and how he does good work.. and how he can help me…etc etc.

The video titled Jewcan Sam is a touching love story about a student finding love after fixing his beak. you can watch it here.

I agree with 1510. I think social media and the internet is a great way to promote your business, but I am obligated to say this because I do this for a living. “So do you want this guy to help you with your Nose? “Um, 1510 Do you want a new website?

My Name is David Wodnicki, and this is my blog.