Staple Lawyer

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If lawyer 2431 is still in business next year. I will retire.

Now, It’s been discussed here that I have met lawyers that don’t have websites. No big deal.

I have even met lawyer’s without computers. So what? But when Lawyer 2431 said he didn’t have email, fax or a phone, I immediately turned around and walked right out the door. Not really, that’s what I would have liked to have done. But.. unfortunately, I am in sales. Something about it, you never stop trying to sell someone until you hear those magic words, “Leave me the F*** ALONE, It’s a NO.” Then and only then will I truly stop…maybe.

So I meet with Lawyer 2431 at his office. I take a picture of his couch in his lobby. Why? It was disgusting, and to use as evidence if I got meningitis in 2 months as a result of sitting on it.

As I wait for the attorney, like I always I do,  I surf my phone, I tweet, I linkedin, I Chive. I begin to start to feel at the very least the onset of bedbugs hitting me so I stand up.

Fortunately the lawyer calls me into his office.

His desk.

Let’s start with items that it did not have on it:

No computer

No printer

No phone

No manila client files

No checks

No pictures of kids

No Bills

And the items that were on his desk:

Staples.. lots and lots of staples.

Staple remover

Papers without staples

End

I sat down and watched the attorney like he was behind glass. I was fascinated, mesmerized, curious. It was kind of like looking at an installation at an art museum. I was trying to figure it out. I didn’t say anything at first. I was just watching him remove staples. He spoke first.

“I received your letter from your company and would like to know more about what you can offer me.”

I responded with  my usual response.

“Well, I would like to know a little bit more about what you do and what your goals and expectations are before I can suggest any offerings.” What is your main practice area?”

As he talks about being a Divorce lawyer and stories of clients that owe him money… I started to notice that I couldn’t move my left foot. It was stuck. I tried my right foot, also stuck. After seeing the couch, I really didn’t want to look down. I didn’t have to. I notice that the attorney was sweeping staples off the desk after he removed them onto the floor. There were thousands of staples on the floor. He didn’t have the shiny silvery carpet I had initially thought. The removed staples were sticking into my rubber soles. Now I begin to worry about tetanus. I don’t think you can catch tetanus from staples? I Google it. Some other genius had the exact question up on Yahoo Answers. It was probably the last guy that was in this office. I am interrupted by 2431 with my favorite question, “ How much?”

Can I email you my proposal?

“ I don’t have email”

“Can you send me a self-addressed stamped letter with your quote and I will return my response.”

Can I fax it to you?

“Just send me the letter and I will have a response back to you within 4 or 5 days.”

Can I call you with it?

“Letter is really the best way.”

So.. like I end most of my meetings, I took my calculator out of my bag, used the sharp edges as a shoehorn to leverage my shoes off the stapled floor and I was on my way.

3 months later:

David Wodnicki is still trying to close this deal for $2240. He feels confident that it will happen this week.

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One Response to Staple Lawyer

  1. David, that was well written and very funny!

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